Plenty of disturbing details emerged today during former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee. He confirmed that water is wet and Trump is a liar. He refused to answer whether or not Trump colluded with Russians in a manner that I’m taking as a hard yes. And we all witnessed John McCain possibly have a stroke on live television. But perhaps the most upsetting revelation from today is the number of women think James Comey is hot.
“Kara, what?” you may be thinking. “Comey is far from unattractive—he looks like 80 percent of the middle aged white dudes on the planet and at least he doesn’t have to tuck his turkey neck wobbly bits into this collar—but he’s not hot.”
Oh, believe me, I know! And yet I found myself shocked by the frequency with which this sentiment was expressed today.
OK EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
I do understand how we all might be feeling. Things are rough right now. Our reality is constantly being distorted. We’re all on edge and we cling to any good news or pleasant feelings we can find, but this is not the answer!
It’s hard to tell if this is better or not, but some classified their attraction to Comey as being rooted almost solely in the above-average length of his body.
James Comey stands 6’8" tall.
Still, height and hotness are only correlated between the measurements of 6 feet and 6’4". After that, all bets are off and height alone cannot contribute to a person’s hotness level. Let this be a lesson to us all:
Now, I’m not here to judge anyone’s personal preferences, but you can’t run around invoking the spirit of hotness where it does not reside, alright? If I’m still not getting my point across, please let me defer to the man who said it best: Kevin Malone from The Office.
And might I also urge us all to remember that time James Comey played one of the most important roles in completely fucking up the 2016 presidential election. That’s not hot and neither is James Comey.